“MILITARY PE WITH COACH REX: THE DAY CARDIO FILED A COMPLAINT.”
(Featuring 100% real exercise science, wrapped in
catastrophic stupidity.)
Morning sun. Cold air.
Four kids walked onto the sports field, still emotionally recovering from Dr.
Mayhem’s Science Class of Melon Destruction.
Amy whispered, “Please let PE be normal today.”
Lucy whispered, “Please let PE be less dangerous than science class.”
Ray whispered, “Please let the vending machine be open.”
Ethan whispered, “Please let there be snacks on this field.”
Then—
BOOM.
A flare exploded in the air, raining red smoke.
A muscular man in sunglasses stomped through the smoke like
a video game character.
**Enter COACH REX
— Dude Perfect–inspired trick-shot athlete
— Former stuntman
— Current chaos generator
— Lifetime achievement award in yelling**
“GOOD MORNING, MAGGOTS!” he roared cheerfully.
“You may call me COACH REX, KING OF PE, EMPEROR OF FITNESS, MASTER OF THE
ONE-ARMED BACKFLIP BOWLING STRIKE!”
Ray whispered, “He scares me.”
Ethan whispered, “He scares the smoke.”
Coach Rex blew a whistle so loud several birds immediately
moved houses.
WARM-UP: “THE SURVIVAL JOG”
(Real science: Aerobic warm-ups increase oxygen delivery,
reduce injury, and boost performance.)
“FIRST DRILL!” Rex shouted. “WARM-UP LAP! IF YOU DON’T WARM
YOUR MUSCLES, YOU TEAR YOUR MUSCLES! AND IF YOU TEAR YOUR MUSCLES, YOU CRY TO
YOUR MAMA!”
Amy jogged calmly.
Lucy kept pace like a focused athlete.
Ray ran like he was escaping a goose.
Ethan jogged 12 steps before collapsing dramatically.
“I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!” Ethan cried.
“You barely used them!” Lucy yelled.
Coach Rex picked Ethan up like a backpack and kept jogging.
“This counts as resistance training, kid!”
LLoC Quotes
“GOOD MORNING, MAGGOTS!”...“You may call me COACH REX, KING OF PE, EMPEROR OF FITNESS, MASTER OF THE ONE-ARMED BACKFLIP BOWLING STRIKE!”
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